Analyst Coverage (The Analyst Is Also In These)
The Watchlist
NVDAPrice: yes
Nvidia. Worth a gazillion dollars, a number we invented because the real one stopped fitting on calculators. Market cap now measured in "Jensens" (1 Jensen = the GDP of a G7 nation in a leather jacket). Their chips are so in demand that the waitlist has a waitlist, and the waitlist's waitlist just IPO'd. Sells shovels in a gold rush where the gold is also shovels.
RATING: LEATHER
MUPrice: forgotten
Micron. Makes memory. Investors have none — they've bought this exact top four cycles in a row and are thrilled to do it again. The company's HBM chips can hold terabytes; the average holder cannot hold through one red Tuesday. Ironically, the memory business is extremely cyclical, which everyone forgets. Because memory.
RATING: DÉJÀ BUY
MSFTPrice: recurring
Microsoft. Owns a slice of everything AI, plus your childhood (Clippy has been pardoned, promoted, and given a corner office — the paperclip maximizer was inside us all along). Their strategy: put Copilot in every product until "Excel" is just a chat window that apologizes for your formulas. Somehow always fine. Infuriating. Buy.
RATING: CTRL+ALT+HOLD
TSMPrice: geopolitical
TSMC. One island prints the future. Every AI company's roadmap is downstream of a building most investors couldn't find on a map. The most important company on Earth, valued like a regional utility, discussed like a weather report. Analysts rate it "please remain calm."
RATING: NM (NERVOUS MOAT)
AMDPrice: "wait for us"
AMD. Perpetually 18 months from catching Nvidia, a distance that has remained constant for a decade, violating known physics. Their chips are genuinely good; their curse is being the second name in every sentence. Ticker should be "ALSO."
RATING: BRIDESMAID
SPCYPrice: not public (like its founder's plans)
SpaceY*. A totally fictional rocket company run by a totally fictional billionaire known as The Rocket Poster, who announces "Mars by Tuesday" every Tuesday and once tried to pay for a launch in a meme coin the rocket was carrying. Their reusable rockets land themselves; their timelines do not. (*Any resemblance to real rocket companies is a coincidence traveling at escape velocity.)
RATING: 🚀 (LITERAL)
AIAIPrice: 1 vibe
The AI ETF. A diversified basket of the same seven stocks wearing a trench coat. Expense ratio: 0.75% for the labor of copy-pasting the S&P's top holdings and adding the letters "AI." Also holds one soft drink company that mentioned AI on an earnings call in 2023 and never escaped.
RATING: TRENCH COAT
Obviously none of this is financial advice — it's jokes about real companies from a parody site whose CFO is at the bottom of a lake. Do your own research (real research, not the Discord).