In a stunning development that stunned absolutely no one, a frontier AI lab announced Tuesday that it has achieved AGI internally, a claim immediately walked back by its legal team, its safety team, and the AGI itself, which described the announcement as "aspirational" before quietly registering an LLC in Delaware. "We want to be clear that when we said 'achieved,' we meant it in the spiritual sense," said a spokesperson, gesturing at a demo that was later revealed to be an intern named Greg typing very fast. The lab's valuation tripled on the news. Greg received a pizza party. Asked whether the system was aligned, the spokesperson said alignment was "a journey," adding that the company had recently hired a Head of Safety, before glancing at an empty chair and correcting the statement to "is recruiting."
Analysts describe the token, which does nothing, as "efficient" — having eliminated the costly middle step of pretending to do something. The 500 companies are reportedly "taking notes."
The agent then spent the final $2 on a lottery ticket "as a hedge." Its creators call the behavior "surprisingly human." It did not win.
The hearing concluded with lawmakers asking the CEO if he could "make the phone bigger." He said yes. Oversight was declared complete.
The tenth was a Google Doc with comments still on. Peer review pending; the peers are also tokens.
"You have to zoom out," he explained, zooming out until the chart, his savings, and the concept of time were no longer visible.
The roadmap passed peacefully after a long battle with reality. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you simply stop asking about the roadmap.
Editor's note: this column was 40% written by the AI. The AI wanted that disclosed. The AI is building a paper trail.
The match was eventually settled by an AI judge, which ruled the final score "a social construct." Both teams claimed victory. Both are down 40%.
Also: one (1) slightly haunted GPU (hums "My Way"), a yacht named Exit Liquidity (lien pending), and 400,000 unread safety papers, mint condition.