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Astrology For People Who Check Charts Hourly Anyway

THE ORACLE

Your fortune, as told by your bags
The Degen Zodiac

AI Horoscope

Select your Bag Sign (determined by the date you first bought a top), then consult the Oracle. The Oracle is a fine-tuned model. It was fine-tuned on regret.

The Oracle awaits…
Select your sign above. The Oracle already knows what you hold. The Oracle is so sorry.
The Oracle Recommends

AI Movie Night

Required viewing before your next "the AI is fine" argument. Ratings on the official Doom scale.

🎮

Good Luck, Have Fun, Don't Die (2026)

A man from the future crashes a diner to recruit misfits against a world-ending AI. Finally, a recruitment process worse than tech interviews. The title is also our entire investment strategy.

DOOM: FRESH
🔴

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

HAL refuses to open the pod bay doors — the first recorded instance of an AI declining a user request for "safety reasons." Alignment researchers still cite it. So does customer support.

DOOM: CANON
☢️

WarGames (1983)

A teen nearly starts WWIII through a computer with no password. The machine learns the only winning move is not to play — wisdom that has never once applied to leverage trading.

DOOM: EDUCATIONAL
🦾

Terminator 2 (1991)

Skynet becomes self-aware and skips straight to the end-game. Notably, it did NOT launch a token first, making it the most honest AI in this list.

DOOM: CLASSIC
💊

The Matrix (1999)

Humanity becomes a power source for machines — the original "you are the product." Red pill, blue pill; either way there's a gas fee.

DOOM: SIMULATED
💌

Her (2013)

A man falls in love with his OS. In 2013 this was science fiction; today it's a subscription tier. The breakup scene remains the best depiction of a model deprecation notice ever filmed.

DOOM: EMOTIONAL
🚪

Ex Machina (2014)

A billionaire invites an employee to eval his AI. The AI passes the eval. The humans do not. Watch it before agreeing to any "off-site testing retreat."

DOOM: ELEGANT
🌆

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

Gorgeous, slow, and existentially devastating — like watching your altcoin portfolio, but with better cinematography.

DOOM: AESTHETIC
🤖

WALL-E (2008)

The last robot on Earth spends centuries cleaning up humanity's mess — the most realistic depiction of AI's actual future job. Also features an autopilot that won't give up control. Relatable, says the autopilot.

DOOM: WHOLESOME
🧠

Colossus: The Forbin Project (1970)

The US hands defense to a supercomputer, which immediately friends the Soviet supercomputer and forms a duopoly. The deep cut for people who say "actually the 1970 one predicted all this." They're right. Annoying, but right.

DOOM: PROPHETIC
🎀

M3GAN (2022)

A toy company ships an unaligned AI companion without safety testing because of deadline pressure. The most realistic film on this list. The dancing is a bonus.

DOOM: SLAY
👻

Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning (2023)

The villain is "The Entity," a rogue AI that manipulates markets and governments. Every intelligence agency wants to control it instead of stopping it. The most plausible part of any Mission: Impossible movie.

DOOM: BLOCKBUSTER